Deer Sweet Ones,
Let it flow. The tears. The fear. The gratitude. The long nights & the longer days. The disappointment. The hope. The remembering. Let it flow.
I once was in love where the first rule of this queership was “Don’t fall in love.” Sure, I thought. I wasn’t looking for anything love related. The sex was great when the nights were cold, & we both had stamina & the mouths of poets. To expect anything but love was foolish, that is very clear to me now, but in my fool hardy ways, I agreed. No love here.
Four months later I found that I was in a furious race between myself & myself, specifically Lettie the Builder & Lettie the Pourer. Lettie the Builder was busy building a dam, night & day, to keep the love feelings at bay, to keep them contained, to try & keep shit neat & tidy. & Lettie the Pourer was my heart, steady pouring love & adoration into the vessels of body & bedroom walls, concerned only with going there. The day I realized Lettie the Builder was going to lose I broke down & cried. “I love her,” I sobbed to my sister in her car. “Of course you do,” my sister replied.
Of course. I do.
Lettie the Builder never had a chance against Lettie the Pourer. I imagine Lettie the Builder telling myself, “Look at that tiny jug of water they’re pouring from! My dam building skills are more than adequate!” & Lettie the Pourer was like, “Hey! How are you? Can I tell you about all the things? Because OMG!” & while, yes, that jug was seemingly small, the volume it carries is limitless.
The day the dam burst, I felt a kind of relief. Lettie the Builder could finally rest, surrender to the waters that overcame our best efforts & intentions. We could finally let it flow. The disappointment of failing to house such a force of nature. The fear of losing someone I had come to love deeper than that damn dam. The gratitude for such a wild ride. The tears.
Let it flow.
Let your damn dam break. Give your Builder a much needed break & surrender to the Pourer. Instead of bracing for that first break of wave, take a deep breath & remind yourself you totally know how to float on your back. Your Pourer cannot disappoint.
Take care of your heart during this season of hard feelings & body memories & wishing things were different. I'm doing my best to take care of mine, too.
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This week's reading is based on the upcoming Full Moon in Cancer. My Sun in in Cancer, I understand. Sometimes I get tired & overwhelmed at my own feelings, but these unending waters have shaped me into the femme, mamma, friend, lover, healer, death eater that I am today. I have been tempered by my own tears, & that is it's own special super power. What I really wanna say is, Welcome to the world of feels! Will you be here long? I have so thoroughly enjoyed your company. Is there anything I can do to help make things more comfortable? Maybe this tarot reading can help.