Deer Sweet One,
Times are hard right now. I am happy to have survived the weekend, & though I am in bed early every night & up early every day, something is missing. My dreams don’t feel like nightmares anymore, but I don’t wake up feeling peaceful or happy. Even as I write this, I’m like Can I even expect that? That’s probably too much to ask.
Everyday magic can totally get swallowed up in everyday survival, & after the blows last week brought, I am still reeling, still grieving, still taking my days one breath at a time. & when I sat down to do pull the cards for this reading & the Six of Keys card came up, I was like, Hard won victory? You don’t say. I feel very flat about it. Victory feels so far away, the idea of victory feels so far away. Why does it always feel so far away?
Unexpressed grief has a way of making sure we take notice, but so many of us who come from families & communities with historical unresolved grief & intergenerational trauma confuse our trauma ridden lives with The Way Things Are. We learned that shit from our caregivers, our families, the ones we trusted & loved, whether it was through direct words or simply their actions & reactions to us, our pain, our joy, our existence. It came from somewhere, it was not inherent because we were meant for more.
I can connect the dots within my own family between the violence & poverty & how they learned to ignore their emotional & spiritual bodies as a way to survive the blows that never stopped coming. I can understand how vulnerability was often a prediction for getting fucked over & how magic became suspect. I know how someone can work hard every day & not have enough to provide for a family, & when a little one dares to ask for more, it feels like an insult. There was so much shit happening. I imagine that they just wanted to stay the fuck alive. & maybe this trend of surviving at any cost took more than they realized. They didn’t intend for generations to still be paying with their lives & livelihood, but we are.
Whenever I broke down & asked for important things in my family, usually of my parents, their responses were one of shame (“You need to be more responsible!”) or minimization (“What do you have to be depressed about? My feelings are more important!”), & so I learned to stop asking in order to survive. & I applied this internalized shit while in school, in my friendships, when falling in love—not asking for anything shaped my world.
My personal remedy for this shit is to allow myself to take up space & ask for what I want. I always tell myself that I can at least ask, & I can trust others to choose whether or not to offer their energies. Fuck, this is something like intimacy, & it often feels like peeling back my skin & showing up with my already bleached bones bare. I hope one day this process feels softer & no longer requires such a lengthy pep talk. To address these issues at the root take so much work, so much unlearning & tenderness, something like the unconditional love that the Artist of Bones brings right before the Hard Won Victory of Six of Keys (as presented in the following reading). This is how I'm shifting from that intense survival that's The Way Things Are into A Life I Can't Live Without.
Today the only victory I have at my fingertips are the little gems of staying alive: cooking food for Panda, myself, & my roommate; writing these posts; calling my sister; having femme time with a femme friend where we laughed more than anything; sending a few emails at the end of a day fraught with anxiety; doing my dishes; telling myself I am still doing everything right.
I had such a hard time trying to figure out what the fuck this hard won victory was about, & then it came to me while I was walking home from the bus stop the other day, sun high & bright, wind cold & the sky so clear: name the victory for yourself. & as I walked to my house with grocery bags in my hands, I thought, Fine. You want a victory? This is my victory: I want to go on a date that feels like magic. I want to have sex before 2017. I want my heart to be healed, & I want to fall in love with someone(s) who really fucking deserves my love. I want to create a sanctuary that reflects all my magic & intention that I can call home. I want a femme community that fosters things I don’t even know about right now. I want Panda to be happy here, to finally understand why we moved over 2,000 miles away. I want money in my bank account, even after my bills are paid. I want new weather appropriate clothes for myself & Panda. I want a new phone. I want some fucking stability. I want to build my cliental. I want to know that I belong here & none of this is a mistake. I want to find a sweat lodge & mentor who can help me with things I cannot approach on my own. I want to feel connected with Panda. I want therapy every week. I want to know what to do about my parents. I want conformation from my grandmothers. I want to go to LA & visit my fam there. I want to visit fam in NY, too. I want to visit the ocean. I want new shoes & new boots. I want friends for Panda. I want more answers than questions for the coming year, & fresh nails.
& so it is.
I totally understand that all of this might not happen before the next full moon, but I am putting it out into the femmeiverse anyways because some it totally will, & the rest will come when Divine Time says so.
I'm inviting you to do the same, brave heart—name it, claim it, create your own victories! Perhaps this moon will be about partaking of each of your victories! After all, what you pay attention grows, so why not the victories, too? I like that. I want more victories. We deserve more of them, we've worked so hard. I’ll let you know how it goes, & you feel free to do the same.
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A victory of your own making
Past: Artist of Bones
Artist of Bones in the position of Past is here to let you know that this past cycle from Full Moon in Cancer to Full Moon in Leo was to bring out that gleam in your eyes & smile. Artist of Bones doesn’t give a fuck that this might have been one of your most disheveled moments I know it has been for me, but this sweet femme creature is asking you to connect to your divine core. After the dam broke you were finally able to bring all your pieces together at the same time in a way that facilitated new healing & clarity—that’s the gleam we see in this sweet femme’s eye.
Artist of Bones asks that you nourish yourself with not only food, but Ancestral wisdom—that’s what that skull is doing in the fruit bowl. This femme creature encourages you to not just allow all your pieces to be in the same place at the same time, but to adorn all of you, highlight all of you, actively love all of you, right here, right now, no matter your condition. If you need help, ask to see yourself as your Ancestors see you, they will never lead you astray.
Present: Six of Keys
This card is all about the present being a hard won victory, especially considering the dam that broke at the last full moon, this retrograde with all the Tower super powers, & the Artist of Bones asking us to connect to our divine core in the midst of so much upheaval & change. The image on this card is of someone covered with mud from head to toe to convey the way it feels, messy in that survive at any cost kinda way, & your people who have witnessed the slew of losses that brought you here are cheering right along with you! You all know how hard it has been, which only makes this win all the sweeter! Deer one, keep fighting, keep surviving, keep reaching, keep loving, keep opening. There is a finish line on your horizon, & you will cross it. None of this has been easy, but Spirit is bringing the card to tell you it will be worth it. You get to win!
Future: Four of Feathers
This next stretch of full moon to full moon you will get to practice boundaries. The feathers suit is all about communication, & the number four about establishing stability. Four of Feathers ask that you investigate your beliefs about boundaries, & that you travel back in time to investigate the root of these beliefs, aka going home. The kind of home & family you grew up in can tell you a lot.
Were you taught that you boundaries were valid? Were you taught that only certain individuals were allowed to have boundaries? Were they something that you had to do away with because it hurt too much to have them disrespected? & are how these beliefs showing up in your present life when it comes to your boundaries? With this new victory under your belt, now is the time to go back in time & correct some of the bullshit that was presented as truth to you about boundaries. Boundaries are important for a life that loves you back, they are ways that love can really grow & root deeply in your relationships. You deserve this gift.
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