New Moon in Capricorn: Come as you are

1/9/2016

Deer Sweet Ones,
My anxiety has been high lately, along with my sads. I had a fuck up that peaked on Monday which resulted in a cryfest at the credit union, the kind where I hoped nobody noticed because I didn't want to get kicked out into the freezing cold windy evening, but also didn't care that everyone saw the mess that was my face.

It was a special culmination, Monday. It was part being poor all the time stress, part late rent, & part that the credit union was swathed in Christmas decor. (My mom, that I am not talking to, loves Christmas.) So, the fact that I couldn't access my money even though I made as many miracles happen as I could, I hit a dead end. Then the Christmas villages & trees & velvet bows all hit me at once, & I realized that I kept the holiday cheer as far away from me this year because it allreminded me of my mother, & I cried & cried & cried.

I cried because I was shoulding all over myself. I cried because I didn't want to miss my mom but I did. I cried because I didn't want to let people I care about down. I cried because I am tired of being poor. I cried because I had been trying so hard to move mountains & take breaths & use my best customer persona to smooth things along. I cried because my history of houselessness is fucking real & ever present. I cried & cried & cried. In that moment, there was nothing left to do but surrender, keep breathing, & keep asking for help. It sucked.

In the end-end, I was able to swing one more fucking miracle, & rent was paid. & then I braved the store whose line wrapped in & out of almost every aisle, got a coconut water & some flowers for myself, & took the trolley home. It was a fucking day, & I was exhausted. In the span of one day I went through whole life chapters of my shit, & guess what? I not only survived, for the rest of the week I took every day as it came. & it was marvelous.

One night coming home from work it occurred to me that I live in a new city, like, actually live here. I thought of how I know where to get groceries & have a job & Panda goes to school. This week I was feeling all kinds of flying high because I was able to buy new bedding (I didn't bring a single blanket from Salt Lake), & grateful that I had the skills & hustle to make it happen. I got to walk through center city & take a full body selfie in a giant mirror, & then someone threw a handful of birdseed on the sidewalk & a bunch of bird friends swirled around to partake, & I felt the flutter inside. My backordered lip colors came in (all the blue lip stains), & so did my new business cards I'm too shy to show anyone. & this morning when I told my roommate, "I think this is me, happy," she agreed.

I don't think this would've been possible if I wasn't hellbent on trying to curl up with my own empathy & acceptance. I might still be stuck at the credit union, bemoaning my own existence, convinced I was undeserving of sweet & miraculous things. I've spent most of my life doing this very dance, but I'm trying so hard to create new habits & ways of being.

No matter where you are, no matter what you did or didn't do, you deserve sweet & miraculous things, too. & maybe you've got people in your life to tell you so, but maybe you don't. I'm gonna say it here: You deserve to lay down that shame & guilt to make room for sweet & miraculous things, love. It's true. I hope you keep fighting for yourself, your peace of mind, your open heart, your brightest dream. I promise if you promise.

xoxo,
Lettie

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Past: Strength

Strength falling into the place of Past is referring to what you've recently been going through. These past few weeks you've been conditioning other memories into those muscles of yours, & sometimes that's meant old shit coming back up that feels all too familiar. Just so you know, this isn't some test that you can pass with flying colors or fail by breaking down in the end. These recent experiences were set up by your divine self calling healing into your life, & one of the most important things occurring is your opening. & that divine self is your wound.

Present: Six of Bottles

What to do, what to do. Six of Bottles is about being on the receiving end of community care. This card is asking you to put all the work Strength was referrencing to good use. Why become tender & open if all you do is keep it to yourself? Six of Bottles says spread that shit around! Share your new insights of yourself with beloved community--the ones who love you back, who send those just checking on you texts, who make you laugh, & who ask you over to try their new recipe! Sure, you're allowed to shine & smooth your edges a bit, but for the most part, come as you are. & most importantly, start where you are!

Future: Artist of Keys

Channels of reciprocity are opening. At the Cancer Full Moon I talked about the Builder & the Pourer, & Artist of Keys is depicting the waters that have spilled forth. The damn dam is gone, & now the waters can flow in all directions! Don't be (too) shy! Make sure that you are allowing yourself to show how much you care. Make sure that you are allowing others to show you how much they really do love you. Say it. Write a letter. Send a selfie. Cook a meal, or ask someone to cook for you. Ask someone to pour you some hot water for your tea. Ask someone to hold your hand. Ask someone for that check in you've needed for months. You've worked so hard to get here, trust that.

Lettie Laughter has over 10 years experience reading tarot. For your own magical 60 or 90 minute tarot reading & connect with your Ancestors, book here! There are discounts for first time clients!

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ALWAYS WAXING & WANING