Deer Sweet Ones,
My anxiety has been high lately, along with my sads. I had a fuck up that peaked on Monday which resulted in a cryfest at the credit union, the kind where I hoped nobody noticed because I didn't want to get kicked out into the freezing cold windy evening, but also didn't care that everyone saw the mess that was my face.
It was a special culmination, Monday. It was part being poor all the time stress, part late rent, & part that the credit union was swathed in Christmas decor. (My mom, that I am not talking to, loves Christmas.) So, the fact that I couldn't access my money even though I made as many miracles happen as I could, I hit a dead end. Then the Christmas villages & trees & velvet bows all hit me at once, & I realized that I kept the holiday cheer as far away from me this year because it allreminded me of my mother, & I cried & cried & cried.
I cried because I was shoulding all over myself. I cried because I didn't want to miss my mom but I did. I cried because I didn't want to let people I care about down. I cried because I am tired of being poor. I cried because I had been trying so hard to move mountains & take breaths & use my best customer persona to smooth things along. I cried because my history of houselessness is fucking real & ever present. I cried & cried & cried. In that moment, there was nothing left to do but surrender, keep breathing, & keep asking for help. It sucked.
In the end-end, I was able to swing one more fucking miracle, & rent was paid. & then I braved the store whose line wrapped in & out of almost every aisle, got a coconut water & some flowers for myself, & took the trolley home. It was a fucking day, & I was exhausted. In the span of one day I went through whole life chapters of my shit, & guess what? I not only survived, for the rest of the week I took every day as it came. & it was marvelous.
One night coming home from work it occurred to me that I live in a new city, like, actually live here. I thought of how I know where to get groceries & have a job & Panda goes to school. This week I was feeling all kinds of flying high because I was able to buy new bedding (I didn't bring a single blanket from Salt Lake), & grateful that I had the skills & hustle to make it happen. I got to walk through center city & take a full body selfie in a giant mirror, & then someone threw a handful of birdseed on the sidewalk & a bunch of bird friends swirled around to partake, & I felt the flutter inside. My backordered lip colors came in (all the blue lip stains), & so did my new business cards I'm too shy to show anyone. & this morning when I told my roommate, "I think this is me, happy," she agreed.
I don't think this would've been possible if I wasn't hellbent on trying to curl up with my own empathy & acceptance. I might still be stuck at the credit union, bemoaning my own existence, convinced I was undeserving of sweet & miraculous things. I've spent most of my life doing this very dance, but I'm trying so hard to create new habits & ways of being.
No matter where you are, no matter what you did or didn't do, you deserve sweet & miraculous things, too. & maybe you've got people in your life to tell you so, but maybe you don't. I'm gonna say it here: You deserve to lay down that shame & guilt to make room for sweet & miraculous things, love. It's true. I hope you keep fighting for yourself, your peace of mind, your open heart, your brightest dream. I promise if you promise.
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