Deer Tender Hearts,
Where do I begin? I don’t even know. I’ve experienced some magical miraculous things & some really hard trauma things, & they even have the nerve to collide on the same day! If you follow my instagram, maybe you saw that all of last week the cute noodley face of Defeat (from a new deck I’m getting to know) was following my every move, & I think I’ve finally broken the spell. All it took was grieving & letting go some more! Who knew? lol I did.
What really got me on the right track was going for a potion consultation with KellyAnne at Gemly & Fern here in Philly! As we sat & talked about why I was there, I put into words some of the things that have been floating around in my head & the ether around me for the last little while, & it became so clear that I have not brought all my pieces here in Philly yet.
Like, what?!? How could I not be here? I live here, love here, work here, receive mail here, get hair cuts & my nails done here, enrolled my kid in school here, take care of my sobriety here, go on dates here, make tarot house calls here, buy my weekly transit pass to get around here—I was so fucking surprised as I sat with KellyAnne & began crying over the realization that there is still part of me in my old kitchen, waiting for my Ex-Best Friend (XBF) to finally take me on that date she promised because it would mean that she finally chose me. There is still a piece of Lettie baking apple pies & dreaming of growing old together with XBF like we always talked about, not yet aware that we are here, living every day without her love, her texts, her awkward phone calls. I never wanted to be without her. But we are.
I found myself crying & feeling embarrassed that I am still crying over what happened, the betrayal, the loss, the isolation, & the violence underlying it all. I also found myself wanting something different, something more, something all mine. It is important to understand that I am still scattered across thousands of miles & to honor wherever my pieces find themselves, that I not throw buckets of ice water on them to wake them the fuck up, but hold our hands & take deep breaths & start with I love you before asking what they need to come back with me. Some of things they shared with me that they need is to talk about the feels of it all without being interrupted with, “But that happened so long ago!,” or “It was doomed anyways!,” or “She’s not worth your tears!,” or “This again?!?” because grief often comes in layers, just like healing, & it all takes some time.
So, here I am, a week later, all weepy & sing songy, working the grief through & out. The potion we made I named Waving from the Shore as an ode to the life I won’t ever have with XBF, acknowledging that while it aches for now to see that life float by, I am growing roots on the shore of a new life. My life. The one here where I wake up before the sun rises every day & listen to the birds talk, the one here where I work with babies Monday through Friday, the one here where I take two buses to pick Panda Pie up from school everyday, the one here where I am figuring out how to make friends again, the one here where I am learning how to date & ask for what I want & have sweet makeouts, the one here where I will probs fall in love again at some point because I’m open to it, the one here so fucking ripe with hope & possibility moving on will not feel arduous, but more soft like water running through my hands, or a wave that returns to the ocean. Something like that.
I know I am not the only one feelings feels right now, & so wherever you are, at whatever part of the process you are in, know that you are not alone in that boat. Even if it feels like it, & you can only cry those tears alone, or wail the way that shakes things lose when nobody else is home, you are not alone. Your guides & ancestors & the Femmeiverse are holding you so close, waiting for you to ask for what you need, what you want, what your precious heart desires. We are all rooting for you, already sewing up your victory banner, already gathering flowers for your bouquet, already wrapping your favorite crystals for your crown. I am here, too, weeping softly & laughing every now & then, smile & snot on my face, an oar firmly in hand. We get it all, deer one. We get to have it all.
I’d really love to receive $100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. These babies take over 10 hours, so really that's $10/hr, & I bet 10 of you lovelies can muster $10. Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! My Paypal is firstname.lastname@example.org. Your donations will help me pay Panda's tuition this week, so thank you so much!
What to do this full moon:
Artist of Bones
Today’s Artist of Bones feels different. This sweet being says, “I know you know who I am! Don’t be shy now!” Usually I go on about how this card is some kind of ultimate selfie, reflecting back to you the fulfilled, satisified veriosn of you, cute in your favorite outfit, adorned with favorite accessories, fed with favorite snacks—but today is less about convincing you that this version of you exists, & more lol deer one, this shit is real, you know what we’re talking about, just go with it!
I’m sitting here, trying to feel into this card, & it keeps telling me the same thing, “You're babely & amazing, & we can totally bring more signs & confirmation, but at this point it is just redundant. Just accept it. Just act like it. Just move like it, love like it, be like it, communicate like it, ask for shit like it, bless others with your brilliance like it, command shit into being like it. You are divine & perfect, so just get over it. Those stories about how loving you is so hard are tired. Those fucked up so-called friends are history. Those injustices never have & never will define you. We have always known your name, known how precious you are, known how much glitter is moving around in those bones of yours. We know just who are you, & that’s why we’re always trying to bring you the good shit! Let us. Take a deep breath, & just let it in. No more not good enough / if only I was better / maybe when I learn this lesson. Now, precious heart. Now is the time.” I’m just gonna go with that.
Three of Bones
Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, & Pluto’s power of deathdyingrelease is written all over the sweet pup’s face of this card. Today, this card is especially important when it comes to matters of the heart, matters of your heart. Maybe you’re heard me share about it before, that the Three of Bones is all about burying what needs to be buried, & that’s still true, but today I’m gonna focus on the burying part.
The bone in the ground on this card represents the past. It is the second largest bone. It is no coincidence that it is the second largest. There’s a lot of shit to be let go of. Even the stars & moon say so. Full Moons are a great time to release things because the idea is that as the moon wanes, so will the things you release. & this being a Scorpio full moon, this is doubly so because Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, bringer of lifedeathrebirth.
If you’ve recently come upon lessons about love—being loved, loving others—that you thought you were already done with, you’re exactly where you need to be. These familiar lessons are not proof that you did anything wrong, it’s just the scoops you couldn’t reach before, & now here they are within your reach. Finally! Take advantage of this opportunity, & do it again. Take your gentle, practiced hand, scoop out the grief, the sorrow, the loss, the betrayal, from inside your achey heart, give it a thank you for the lessons, & bury it again. Maybe even this time around you can say a little more than last time’s string of explicatives. Maybe it can go something like this poem:
Do you have a favorite song that you listen to on repeat? What does it do for you? Does it hold something for you, with you? That’s kinda what the energy of the Fool is about. The Fool is not necessarily about starting over-starting over this week, but maybe something more akin to a song on repeat.
I don’t know why I play certain sings so incessantly on repeat, but I do. I can devote myself to a song for days, weeks, sometimes months. I don’t even feel obligated to listen to the whole album, I just hone in on the one. That’s what the Fool wants you to know—you don’t have to start everything over, just this one little piece of you heart that is still kinda sharp around the edges.
You don’t have to rewrite your whole story about who you love, who loves you back, how to get others to love you or why they might not. No, not today. You’ve been doing such good work! There’s a stray piece or two that you get to start over, but mostly you can keep it moving. But I wouldn’t be surprised if these seemingly small pieces change more than you thought they could. That is part of the magic of the heart, the power of your compassion, & proof of your healing.
I hope by now you are breathing easier, a little less inclined to lash out at yourself, a bit more acquainted with your perfection. You are trustworthy. You are doing things differently & the Femmeiverse knows. You deserve every good thing simply because you exist. These are the bones that will sing you home.
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