Hi Deer Ones,
I am here to ask for your help & support once more. This past week I began developing an abscess in my mouth, & today I was finally able to go to the dentist. After x-rays & consultations, I've been informed that a root canal is my best option, & this has to happen ASAP. I have lots of feels about all of this--the trauma I've survived that shows up in my teeth, a history of white men dentists wanting to take my teeth/recommending extraction, the overwhelm of cost as a cash-poor single mama femme, the pain that highlights all my other kinds of pain I try not to think about, & the anxiety that accompanies the vulnerability--but I've been here before & prevailed!
This is a time sensitive matter, & I've schedule the procedure for Friday after work because they told me if I get in this week I will most likely be able to receive some kind of financial assistance that makes this all possible! I am financially responsible for:
I currently have $140 of the $300 needed for tomorrow, thank you so much!
I just need another $160 to get the root canal done, & the remaining $215 is deeply appreciated & more flexible. Thank you for sharing & donating & all your kind words & woo!
Thank you so much for all of your support! I was able to pay for the root canal, & was able to get the tooth medicated & tended two over the past two weeks.
I have been able to raise a total of $415 of the $515 I need, & I'd really like to raise the final $100. I had to take 2 days off of work due to the pain of the infection & lack of access to dental health care, which means my check will be $140 less than usual.
I can meet my goal if 2 of you scheduled a tarot reading with me, or 10 of you wanted a copy of my brief & wonderful collection of poems that femmes have been loving, sharing with me that they are "beautiful-strong" & "Aaaaahmazing!"
Thank you, once again, for sharing & donating & all your kind words & woo!
As incentive to donate, I've put together what my roommate lovingly calls a "brief" collection of 10 poems in a 15 page pdf ebook, titled "my fucking tide: love & sex," that I can email in exchange. I'm asking for $10-$20 to receive the brief collection of poems, though all donations are certainly welcome via Paypal at email@example.com! If you are donating for "my fucking tide: love & sex," via PayPal, please make note of which email you would like to receive the poems at, & mark them for friends & family instead of goods & services. This ensures that you will receive the poems at an email you use, & that I will receive the entirety of your generous donation. Donations also accepted via venmo at Lettie Laughter, & if you go this route make sure you make a note there of which email I can send the poems, too, or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I am also able to schedule tarot readings, too, & you can do that here! & if you were wondering what a tarot reading with me is like, here's a taste:
I cannot recommend Lettie more highly for a tarot reading. They brings honesty, compassion, understanding and practicality to their readings. The reading began with Lettie asking if they could call upon our spirit guides. I said yes, and we both felt the energy shift. To intentionally bring together 2 people's ancestors, their spirit guides, is so powerful. Lettie proceeded to shuffle and then draw cards for my reading. The cards drawn all illuminated the truths in my situations, the pitfalls, and the possibilities. What was unique is that Lettie didn't just stop at explaining the cards' meanings to me. They offered me concrete solutions to my situations, such as a burning or burying ritual to help me let things go, setting up an altar, remembering and speaking my truths. When the reading happened, I was not in a good mental or emotional space at all. After some reflection, action, and a couple of weeks, I feel a lot lighter and a lot more grounded. I trust myself again.
I'm excited to share some of my poems with you! I never know when or how to give them fresh air, & these are some of my favorite. I also hope to read your tarot cards soon, too! Please share this emergency femme fundraiser with your friends, fam, & other networks to help me heal. I appreciate all your efforts & support!
you can find the previous installation of your love taught me how to burn this bridge: the beginning here. i'm feeling this scorpio full moon purge everything to make room for all the good shit so don't stop now, as well as this pluto retrograde gift of putting shit to rest in peace & reclaim misplaced power, & felt like it was time to finish this story. i'm not sure how many pieces i'm gonna break this into, but we're not done yet. hope you're also doing some spring cleaning, taking deep breaths, opening palms squeezed tighter than night, & letting the winds of change rattle those bones. xo
they’re always canceling hang outs, but you tell the femmeiverse, its cool. no problem. one evening you realize this is all a farce when they call with a sad voice & say, sweetie’s had a hard day...crying...i gotta go home & take care of her....i’m so sorry, i really wanted to see you. you’re still saying to yourself, it's cool, no problem. so you say to them, its ok, i understand. you hang up & wedge the phone between the cushions on your big floral print couch your mom thrifted for you & cry in the dark. it’s the first time you allow yourself such a thing, to cry, because what comes to reckon aches worse than a busted tooth: i am not any kinda priority. this is a problem.
too soon after, on a sunday, another problem becomes evident. the sunday morning problem is almost something otherworldly, like, can’t i catch a break in love kinda problem. you call at the hang out time, they don’t answer. you call again, they still don’t answer. you wait & wait & wait & call, & nothing. all the feels come, all the times they don’t show up for all the reasons, all the times you tell yourself its ok its ok, they break you. you send them a message like, i want to cancel today. sorry for messaging instead of calling. i can’t call right now. this is the truth.
you go to your friends house, a friend who also falls in love with white people, & cry in their warm bed & eat lasagna. you cry because you keep falling in love with white people & why can’t you stop? why can’t white people just not be fucked up? & you cry all the cries you can’t even name yet. devastated, blown open, those are things.
you come home to an i’m so sorry message from them, explaining all the things (again), but you can’t reply. your heart churns. they send more messages, one after the other, some more passive aggressive, some plain aggressive, some to soften the previous egregious aggression. your heart breaks & you still don’t know what to say, so you say nothing. they are angry, desperate, resentful. they tell you so. you send a message that says things you mean, sorry for the hurt, still figuring things out, but wanna talk when the time is right. this is how the crash & burn begins.
after too many messages sent via the internet, too many misunderstandings, & one road trip with their sweetie, you meet up in a coffee shop you never drank coffee in before called nostalgia, because all of a sudden the femmeiverse has a sense of humor. you come to talk about what you’re learning about yourself & your relationships & colonization & love. you want to share so you can change up the dynamics of the relationship—it isn’t fair for them to access you whenever they want & to do so with a pungent secrecy & sour let’s not define this so accountability can’t live here. you want to share how you’re recognizing colonization in your relationships, how white supremacy was like, sure, you’re not dead (yet), so let’s make it so you want to die, or, like, feel dead inside while moving about in the world & still kinda breathe & stuff. of how colonization in your relationship means you don’t ask for what you want because if you do, nobody will ever love you, & how you force yourself to swallow everything with its ok, i understand. of how you pretend so much you don’t know what the fuck is happening & can only discern that something is fucking with your heart & that something is them.
all you wanted was to say, hey, let’s do this different so fuckery doesn’t win. but they speak first & derail everything with a derailment of the most high: i’m in love with you. you’re quiet, stunned, trying to hold on as they talk about how they know they are in love with you.
do you remember that day we sat outside your house & you told me to lift my head & take in the sky? i knew then, they tell you. & you do. now they tell you that they were trying to wrestle with their feelings for you. they share how on their road trip with their sweetie they stopped in at the twin’s place & read an astrology chart twin had done for their birthday. they tell you about how the chart had information about a love that has spanned more than one lifetime, & how they know that that love is you. they also pull out not one, but two cards in envelopes. one orange & one blue. each written with their recognizable soft scrawl you ache to have more samples of.
one is simply addressed,
& there’s a heart.
the other one has your names.
this is when you start crying & push your anger aside because maybe they really are gonna choose you & that conversation about white supremacy & colonizing kinda love won’t be necessary & you can finally live happily for now with someone who is in love with you & everyone will know. & you cry & they cry & the snot runs & they ask if they can hold your hand & you say yes. you sit there and cry for same reasons, for different reasons, for the future you both want, for pasts you wish were different--the present sucks but it’s all you get.
its been forever since i fell in love for passion, they divulge. i don’t know what to do about this, they say.
there’s nothing to do, you don’t say.
in a moment of haste you say something you come to regret. would you even take me in if i left sweetie? the word no flies out of your mouth because you’re thinking about how messy it would be & how much sweetie would hate you & how you didn’t want to be wondering if they were wondering about sweetie while they were with you for the rest of your forever together. this is not something you want to find out how it feels. you are too scared to say yes, so you say no.
you start to bring up your shit, but it’s not the same. your head & heart are swimming in all kinds of what if’s, but the further in you two swim, the more you know this has to end because the way colonization & white supremacy are playing out. you know you will be the one to pay the most, no matter what. with a deep breath you sigh, & they say, this is where you break my heart. you tell them you need boundaries of not talking anymore because you know that this will never be in your favor, that this needs to happen to minimize your hurt. you are trusting the super deep part of you that knows these things.
nothing helps, you are both breaking.
they respond with shit like, in 10 years, it will be different. when we cross paths in the future.
in the end, you give them a piece of rose quartz & promise yourself you’ll never change your phone number. you both hug like this is as close to fucking as you’ll get, & everything is hot & sad. you cross the street to your car & sob inside. there is a song on the radio that will always remind you of this moment. you go home & cry some more, wondering why you always gotta break your own heart.
this is not the end. the betrayal comes in layers.
Deer Tender Hearts,
Where do I begin? I don’t even know. I’ve experienced some magical miraculous things & some really hard trauma things, & they even have the nerve to collide on the same day! If you follow my instagram, maybe you saw that all of last week the cute noodley face of Defeat (from a new deck I’m getting to know) was following my every move, & I think I’ve finally broken the spell. All it took was grieving & letting go some more! Who knew? lol I did.
What really got me on the right track was going for a potion consultation with KellyAnne at Gemly & Fern here in Philly! As we sat & talked about why I was there, I put into words some of the things that have been floating around in my head & the ether around me for the last little while, & it became so clear that I have not brought all my pieces here in Philly yet.
Like, what?!? How could I not be here? I live here, love here, work here, receive mail here, get hair cuts & my nails done here, enrolled my kid in school here, take care of my sobriety here, go on dates here, make tarot house calls here, buy my weekly transit pass to get around here—I was so fucking surprised as I sat with KellyAnne & began crying over the realization that there is still part of me in my old kitchen, waiting for my Ex-Best Friend (XBF) to finally take me on that date she promised because it would mean that she finally chose me. There is still a piece of Lettie baking apple pies & dreaming of growing old together with XBF like we always talked about, not yet aware that we are here, living every day without her love, her texts, her awkward phone calls. I never wanted to be without her. But we are.
I found myself crying & feeling embarrassed that I am still crying over what happened, the betrayal, the loss, the isolation, & the violence underlying it all. I also found myself wanting something different, something more, something all mine. It is important to understand that I am still scattered across thousands of miles & to honor wherever my pieces find themselves, that I not throw buckets of ice water on them to wake them the fuck up, but hold our hands & take deep breaths & start with I love you before asking what they need to come back with me. Some of things they shared with me that they need is to talk about the feels of it all without being interrupted with, “But that happened so long ago!,” or “It was doomed anyways!,” or “She’s not worth your tears!,” or “This again?!?” because grief often comes in layers, just like healing, & it all takes some time.
So, here I am, a week later, all weepy & sing songy, working the grief through & out. The potion we made I named Waving from the Shore as an ode to the life I won’t ever have with XBF, acknowledging that while it aches for now to see that life float by, I am growing roots on the shore of a new life. My life. The one here where I wake up before the sun rises every day & listen to the birds talk, the one here where I work with babies Monday through Friday, the one here where I take two buses to pick Panda Pie up from school everyday, the one here where I am figuring out how to make friends again, the one here where I am learning how to date & ask for what I want & have sweet makeouts, the one here where I will probs fall in love again at some point because I’m open to it, the one here so fucking ripe with hope & possibility moving on will not feel arduous, but more soft like water running through my hands, or a wave that returns to the ocean. Something like that.
I know I am not the only one feelings feels right now, & so wherever you are, at whatever part of the process you are in, know that you are not alone in that boat. Even if it feels like it, & you can only cry those tears alone, or wail the way that shakes things lose when nobody else is home, you are not alone. Your guides & ancestors & the Femmeiverse are holding you so close, waiting for you to ask for what you need, what you want, what your precious heart desires. We are all rooting for you, already sewing up your victory banner, already gathering flowers for your bouquet, already wrapping your favorite crystals for your crown. I am here, too, weeping softly & laughing every now & then, smile & snot on my face, an oar firmly in hand. We get it all, deer one. We get to have it all.
I’d really love to receive $100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. These babies take over 10 hours, so really that's $10/hr, & I bet 10 of you lovelies can muster $10. Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! My Paypal is email@example.com. Your donations will help me pay Panda's tuition this week, so thank you so much!
What to do this full moon:
Artist of Bones
Today’s Artist of Bones feels different. This sweet being says, “I know you know who I am! Don’t be shy now!” Usually I go on about how this card is some kind of ultimate selfie, reflecting back to you the fulfilled, satisified veriosn of you, cute in your favorite outfit, adorned with favorite accessories, fed with favorite snacks—but today is less about convincing you that this version of you exists, & more lol deer one, this shit is real, you know what we’re talking about, just go with it!
I’m sitting here, trying to feel into this card, & it keeps telling me the same thing, “You're babely & amazing, & we can totally bring more signs & confirmation, but at this point it is just redundant. Just accept it. Just act like it. Just move like it, love like it, be like it, communicate like it, ask for shit like it, bless others with your brilliance like it, command shit into being like it. You are divine & perfect, so just get over it. Those stories about how loving you is so hard are tired. Those fucked up so-called friends are history. Those injustices never have & never will define you. We have always known your name, known how precious you are, known how much glitter is moving around in those bones of yours. We know just who are you, & that’s why we’re always trying to bring you the good shit! Let us. Take a deep breath, & just let it in. No more not good enough / if only I was better / maybe when I learn this lesson. Now, precious heart. Now is the time.” I’m just gonna go with that.
Three of Bones
Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, & Pluto’s power of deathdyingrelease is written all over the sweet pup’s face of this card. Today, this card is especially important when it comes to matters of the heart, matters of your heart. Maybe you’re heard me share about it before, that the Three of Bones is all about burying what needs to be buried, & that’s still true, but today I’m gonna focus on the burying part.
The bone in the ground on this card represents the past. It is the second largest bone. It is no coincidence that it is the second largest. There’s a lot of shit to be let go of. Even the stars & moon say so. Full Moons are a great time to release things because the idea is that as the moon wanes, so will the things you release. & this being a Scorpio full moon, this is doubly so because Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, bringer of lifedeathrebirth.
If you’ve recently come upon lessons about love—being loved, loving others—that you thought you were already done with, you’re exactly where you need to be. These familiar lessons are not proof that you did anything wrong, it’s just the scoops you couldn’t reach before, & now here they are within your reach. Finally! Take advantage of this opportunity, & do it again. Take your gentle, practiced hand, scoop out the grief, the sorrow, the loss, the betrayal, from inside your achey heart, give it a thank you for the lessons, & bury it again. Maybe even this time around you can say a little more than last time’s string of explicatives. Maybe it can go something like this poem:
Do you have a favorite song that you listen to on repeat? What does it do for you? Does it hold something for you, with you? That’s kinda what the energy of the Fool is about. The Fool is not necessarily about starting over-starting over this week, but maybe something more akin to a song on repeat.
I don’t know why I play certain sings so incessantly on repeat, but I do. I can devote myself to a song for days, weeks, sometimes months. I don’t even feel obligated to listen to the whole album, I just hone in on the one. That’s what the Fool wants you to know—you don’t have to start everything over, just this one little piece of you heart that is still kinda sharp around the edges.
You don’t have to rewrite your whole story about who you love, who loves you back, how to get others to love you or why they might not. No, not today. You’ve been doing such good work! There’s a stray piece or two that you get to start over, but mostly you can keep it moving. But I wouldn’t be surprised if these seemingly small pieces change more than you thought they could. That is part of the magic of the heart, the power of your compassion, & proof of your healing.
I hope by now you are breathing easier, a little less inclined to lash out at yourself, a bit more acquainted with your perfection. You are trustworthy. You are doing things differently & the Femmeiverse knows. You deserve every good thing simply because you exist. These are the bones that will sing you home.
I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating! I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it! Know that $5 goes real far in my life.
Bigger life themes are coming in a close this week, & the World card promises clarity & gratitude & grace. Those gifts may seem unreachable in this moment, but that is because things are still settling down. There are lessons you are learning that were important to understand through out this process, though I hope you are still finding ways to care for your precious self, because no matter what, you deserve deep breaths, food, & gentleness.
When you sense the chapter closing, know that this isn’t about taking inventory of all the things you think you did wrong, it’s about radical acceptance of where you are & who you are. No matter how you showed up & showed out, you are enough. Going forward holding a boulder of What If will not take you where you want to be, because even if you made it here, that boulder of burden will not let you enjoy or celebrate the change in scenery.
As this theme comes to a kind of close, leave it all here on the dance floor. Shake it all out. Then keep the energy levels high as you go to the next place that will reflect back to you the sweet thing you know to be true about you.
You’ve got a heart song, a heart dream that makes you swell, a heart desire that you’ve been whispering about shyly, & now is the time to start sharing more boldly. Artist of Feathers is a card that asks you to amplify your heart’s desires in whatever ways feel accessible to you right now. Trust is important here because if you don’t trust this heart dream, then why would you share it with someone or the other someones who are waiting for this very thing you hold?
This is your sign to trust it, deer one!
Make your platform bigger, make a platform period, add some color, add some texture, make a video with captions, allow yourself to do something seemingly unrelated but find out later then totally are!
Your gifts will inspire others to move about, to swoon, to close their eyes in ecstacy & contemplation. Please trust it enough to share it with the rest of us. It’ll be ok.
The most important message from this Seeker of Feathers is maintain focus on Spirit, no matter what. The big & new things you are femmeifesting in your life are on their way! There is no need to change your course now, no slight left or slight right, no throwing away your letters of desire, no second guessing. The Femmeiverse understood what you asked for the first time & is now setting it all up to arrive at your door shortly. I mean, if you wanted, it could probably also be delivered to you in bed, too. That is how powerful & direct the Femmeiverse is. The only thing you gotta do, though, is maintain that focus.
When you start to worry or change plans mid execution, that’s because you’ve lost focus, & when you start trying to predict how to make shit happen quicker & easier & thus change plans, the Femmeiverse has to alter that initial course of action. Nobody’s mad that you are doing this, not the Femmeiverse, not your spirit guides or ancestors, it just means the way they’ve conspired for you has to be changed so the blessings they’re bringing can still arrive where you are. The best thing to do, is not move. Be still. Maintain that focus. Keep up with your affirmations. Pray & keep talking that sweet talk to yourself. You do get to have what you want. Don’t put your faith down now. You’re almost there.
I’d really love to receive $50-$75 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! My Paypal is firstname.lastname@example.org. Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!
Deer Heart Ones,
I didn’t think I’d be writing this, but here I am, at 5:30am EST on the dot. I’ve been recovering from life the past two weeks, not an easy endeavor, but I like to think I am making those deep shifts that make a life that loves me back so incredibly possible.
I awoke this morning from a dream about flying with Philly single babes on some kind of collective date, but instead of a plane seats there were tiny merry-go-rounds, & it was actually New Years now that I think about it. Everyone was wearing sequins & shiny things, & the last thought I remember was, “I guess everyone’s gonna know I have a kid.” I keep my kid status unanswered on the dating wesbite (you know of which I speak, or maybe you don’t, lol) because I’m there for super casual things…am I oversharing now? Maybe.
Anyways, my femme babe genius roommate & I were talking one evening & from that conversation I learned that I get to bring my whole self, which most definitely includes Panda Pie, into my dating-ness. I don’t know what to call it. & what kinds of real chances am I allowing myself to have if I am not bringing my whole self to the table? That’s something I’ve been working on, right? Right.
So my dream was like, Get on board Lettie! On tiny merry-go-round-board! I don’t know what it means to be on board, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
I also did some candle magic. I dressed one for health, intending to move in the direction of being connected to my body, caring for my sobriety, poetry things, healing my critical self-talk into accepting self-talk, & clear boundaries at day job. There’s more. It’s kinda a lot, but I’m letting the Femmeiverse help me out.
I hope you are enjoying this influx of new fire energy, that it helps clear some paths for you, that it brings clarity, that it reminds you of the things that bring heat & make you simmer with excitement. I hope this Aries seasons brings you to boil over everything in your kitchen, your house, your life. I hope you’ll show me the glorious mess you’ve made the next time we meet.
I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! My Paypal is email@example.com. Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!
This week is gonna be short & sweet because I gotta get ready for my day job & wanna get this out. Next week I hope to take more time. I can already hear the birds singing to the navy morning sky.
Clear Quartz in a crystal that is really good at amplifying already present magics & bringing clarity through clearing shit out. This is all great new because Three of Feathers is next, sharing with you that the time is now to start putting pen to paper in name of your heart. You’ve been simmering with your heart things for a while now, it’s time to do the next thing. This card largely shows up when writing is an appropriate medium, & I definitely encourage it.
Write down some hopes, some dreams, some pain, some things to let go. Write down things you already do, are trying to do, & will hopefully work up to for self care. Write down boundaries that you need to feel safe & secure. Write down how you want to feel in a femmeship, loveship, datingship, hookupship, coparentingship, so when the Femmeiverse shows up with this –ship on a silver shell platter, you will be like, “Yes, that’s mine. Thank you!” Write down your business plan, how much money you wanna be femmeifesting, & how lovely it is to work at your ideal job. Write a love letter to the self that is feeling the most pain right now. Write them love poems & love notes & draw cute pictures of your future together. Write anything. Write something. You ca totally write yourself to freedom.
& I got a new deck, A Spirit Speak Oracle Deck. I am so excited to share it with you, even if the first card I drew is defeat. I know, I know, me, too! I was like, Wuh? It’s too early for this shit. But here we are, & I can go with it. So let’s!
Defeat, directly from the accompanying book, “Sad Star, it’s ok to give up & to feel sad about it. Sometimes defeat helps us let go & let in change.” You know I believe in a good cry just as much as I believe in a good surrender, & I feel like this card is a potential combination of the two, though they do not have to come together. Defeat is real! Trying with everything you’ve got & coming away empty handed is real, & real hard to accept sometimes! But, like the card says, “Sometimes defeat helps us let go & let in change.” Even if what you want doesn’t work out this one time, that does not mean it was a bad idea, or you shouldn’t have, or that you don’t deserve it, or you need a new dream. All it means is, “Not here at this time.” That means you try again elsewhere & maybe learn a few things that inspire you to fine tune your approach. In the meantime, cry if you need to. I’m all about tears bringing clarity.
& the Clear Quartz is here to help you focus your goals & make room for your magic. The whole way through. You & Clear Quartz are the same, love. There’s nothing either one of you can’t do.
Happy Astrological New Year New Moon in Aries!
I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating! I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it! Know that $5 goes real far in my life.
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