they’re always canceling hang outs, but you tell the femmeiverse, its cool.  no problem.  one evening you realize this is all a farce when they call with a sad voice & say, sweetie’s had a hard day...crying...i gotta go home & take care of her....i’m so  sorry, i really wanted to see you.  you’re still saying to yourself, it's cool, no problem.  so you say to them, its ok, i understand.  you hang up & wedge the phone between the cushions on your big floral print couch your mom thrifted for you & cry in the dark.  it’s the first time you allow yourself such a thing, to cry, because what comes to reckon aches worse than a busted tooth: i am not any kinda priority.  this is a problem.

too soon after, on a sunday, another problem becomes evident.  the sunday morning problem is almost something otherworldly, like, can’t i catch a break in love kinda problem.  you call at the hang out time, they don’t answer.  you call again, they still don’t answer.  you wait & wait & wait & call, & nothing.  all the feels come, all the times they don’t show up for all the reasons, all the times you tell yourself its ok its ok, they break you.  you send them a message like, i want to cancel today.  sorry for messaging instead of calling.  i can’t call right now.  this is the truth. 

you go to your friends house, a friend who also falls in love with white people, & cry in their warm bed & eat lasagna.  you cry  because you keep falling in love with white people & why can’t you stop?  why can’t white people just not be fucked up?  & you cry all the cries you can’t even name yet.  devastated, blown open, those are things. 

you come home to an i’m so sorry message from them, explaining all the things (again), but you can’t reply.  your heart churns.  they send more messages, one after the other, some more passive aggressive, some plain aggressive, some to soften the previous egregious aggression.  your heart breaks & you still don’t know what to say, so you say nothing.  they are angry, desperate, resentful.  they tell you so.  you send a message that says things you mean, sorry for the hurt, still figuring things out, but wanna talk when the time is right.  this is how the crash & burn begins.

after too many messages sent via the internet, too many misunderstandings, & one road trip with their sweetie, you meet up in a coffee shop you never drank coffee in before called nostalgia, because all of a sudden the femmeiverse has a sense of humor.  you come to talk about what you’re learning about yourself & your relationships & colonization & love.  you want to share so you can change up the dynamics of the relationship—it isn’t fair for them to access you whenever they want & to do so with a pungent secrecy & sour let’s not define this so accountability can’t live here.  you want to share how you’re recognizing colonization in your relationships, how white supremacy was like, sure, you’re not dead (yet), so let’s make it so you want to die, or, like, feel dead inside while moving about in the world & still kinda breathe & stuff.  of how colonization in your relationship means you don’t ask for what you want because if you do, nobody will ever love you, & how you force yourself to swallow everything with its ok, i understand.  of how you pretend so much you don’t know what the fuck is happening & can only discern that something is fucking with your heart & that something is them. 

all you wanted was to say, hey, let’s do this different so fuckery doesn’t win.  but they speak first & derail everything with a derailment of the most high: i’m in love with you.  you’re quiet, stunned, trying to hold on as they talk about how they know they are in love with you. 

do you remember that day we sat outside your house & you told me to lift my head & take in the sky?  i knew then, they tell you.  & you do.  now they tell you that they were trying to wrestle with their feelings for you.  they share how on their road trip with their sweetie they stopped in at the twin’s place & read an astrology chart twin had done for their birthday.  they tell you about how the chart had information about a love that has spanned more than one lifetime, & how they know that that love is you.  they also pull out not one, but two cards in envelopes.  one orange & one blue.  each written with their recognizable soft scrawl you ache to have more samples of. 

one is simply addressed,
to: you
from: me
& there’s a heart. 

the other one has your names. 

this is when you start crying & push your anger aside because maybe they really are gonna choose you & that conversation about white supremacy & colonizing kinda love won’t be necessary & you can finally live happily for now with someone who is in love with you & everyone will know.  & you cry & they cry & the snot runs & they ask if they can hold your hand & you say yes.  you sit there and cry for same reasons, for different reasons, for the future you both want, for pasts you wish were different--the present sucks but it’s all you get. 

its been forever since i fell in love for passion, they divulge.  i don’t know what to do about this, they say. 

there’s nothing to do, you don’t say.
           
in a moment of haste you say something you come to regret.  would you even take me in if i left sweetie?  the word no flies out of your mouth because you’re thinking about how messy it would be & how much sweetie would hate you & how you didn’t want to be wondering if they were wondering about sweetie while they were with you for the rest of your forever together.  this is not something you want to find out how it feels.  you are too scared to say yes, so you say no.

you start to bring up your shit, but it’s not the same.  your head & heart are swimming in all kinds of what if’s, but the further in you two swim, the more you know this has to end because the way colonization & white supremacy are playing out.  you know you will be the one to pay the most, no matter what.  with a deep breath you sigh, & they say, this is where you break my heart.  you tell them you need boundaries of not talking anymore  because you know that this will never be in your favor, that this needs to happen to minimize your hurt.  you are trusting the super deep part of you that knows these things. 

nothing helps, you are both breaking.

they respond with shit like, in 10 years, it will be different.  when we cross paths in the future. 

in the end, you give them a piece of rose quartz & promise yourself you’ll never change your phone number.  you both hug like this is as close to fucking as you’ll get, & everything is hot & sad.  you cross the street to your car & sob inside.  there is a song on the radio that will always remind you of this moment.  you go home & cry some more, wondering why you always gotta break your own heart. 

this is not the end.  the betrayal comes in layers.  

​Deer Tender Hearts,
 
Where do I begin?  I don’t even know.  I’ve experienced some magical miraculous things & some really hard trauma things, & they even have the nerve to collide on the same day!  If you follow my instagram, maybe you saw that all of last week the cute noodley face of Defeat (from a new deck I’m getting to know) was following my every move, & I think I’ve finally broken the spell.  All it took was grieving & letting go some more!  Who knew?  lol I did. 
 
What really got me on the right track was going for a potion consultation with KellyAnne at Gemly & Fern here in Philly!  As we sat & talked about why I was there, I put into words some of the things that have been floating around in my head & the ether around me for the last little while, & it became so clear that I have not brought all my pieces here in Philly yet. 
 
Like, what?!?  How could I not be here?  I live here, love here, work here, receive mail here, get hair cuts & my nails done here, enrolled my kid in school here, take care of my sobriety here, go on dates here, make tarot house calls here, buy my weekly transit pass to get around here—I was so fucking surprised as I sat with KellyAnne & began crying over the realization that there is still part of me in my old kitchen, waiting for my Ex-Best Friend (XBF) to finally take me on that date she promised because it would mean that she finally chose me.  There is still a piece of Lettie baking apple pies & dreaming of growing old together with XBF like we always talked about, not yet aware that we are here, living every day without her love, her texts, her awkward phone calls.  I never wanted to be without her.  But we are.
 
I found myself crying & feeling embarrassed that I am still crying over what happened, the betrayal, the loss, the isolation, & the violence underlying it all.  I also found myself wanting something different, something more, something all mine.  It is important to understand that I am still scattered across thousands of miles & to honor wherever my pieces find themselves, that I not throw buckets of ice water on them to wake them the fuck up, but hold our hands & take deep breaths & start with I love you before asking what they need to come back with me.  Some of things they shared with me that they need is to talk about the feels of it all without being interrupted with, “But that happened so long ago!,” or “It was doomed anyways!,” or “She’s not worth your tears!,” or “This again?!?” because grief often comes in layers, just like healing, & it all takes some time.
 
So, here I am, a week later, all weepy & sing songy, working the grief through & out.  The potion we made I named Waving from the Shore as an ode to the life I won’t ever have with XBF, acknowledging that while it aches for now to see that life float by, I am growing roots on the shore of a new life.  My life.  The one here where I wake up before the sun rises every day & listen to the birds talk, the one here where I work with babies Monday through Friday, the one here where I take two buses to pick Panda Pie up from school everyday, the one here where I am figuring out how to make friends again, the one here where I am learning how to date & ask for what I want & have sweet makeouts, the one here where I will probs fall in love again at some point because I’m open to it, the one here so fucking ripe with hope & possibility moving on will not feel arduous, but more soft like water running through my hands, or a wave that returns to the ocean.  Something like that.
 
I know I am not the only one feelings feels right now, & so wherever you are, at whatever part of the process you are in, know that you are not alone in that boat.  Even if it feels like it, & you can only cry those tears alone, or wail the way that shakes things lose when nobody else is home, you are not alone.  Your guides & ancestors & the Femmeiverse are holding you so close, waiting for you to ask for what you need, what you want, what your precious heart desires.  We are all rooting for you, already sewing up your victory banner, already gathering flowers for your bouquet, already wrapping your favorite crystals for your crown.  I am here, too, weeping softly & laughing every now & then, smile & snot on my face, an oar firmly in hand.  We get it all, deer one.  We get to have it all.
 
Unendingly Abundant,
Lettie

I’d really love to receive $100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  These babies take over 10 hours, so really that's $10/hr, & I bet 10 of you lovelies can muster $10.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations will help me pay Panda's tuition this week, so thank you so much!  

1. Artist of Bones—Accept & embrace your babely, perfectly divine self.  Then selfie about it if you want!
2. Three of Bones—Bury what needs to be buried, especially when it comes to the heart.
3. The Fool—Start again.  This is a new beginning.  I know, I know…but for reals.  Trust us.

Today’s Artist of Bones feels different.  This sweet being says, “I know you know who I am!  Don’t be shy now!”  Usually I go on about how this card is some kind of ultimate selfie, reflecting back to you the fulfilled, satisified veriosn of you, cute in your favorite outfit, adorned with favorite accessories, fed with favorite snacks—but today is less about convincing you that this version of you exists, & more lol deer one, this shit is real, you know what we’re talking about, just go with it!
 
I’m sitting here, trying to feel into this card, & it keeps telling me the same thing, “You're babely & amazing, & we can totally bring more signs & confirmation, but at this point it is just redundant.  Just accept it.  Just act like it.  Just move like it, love like it, be like it, communicate like it, ask for shit like it, bless others with your brilliance like it, command shit into being like it.  You are divine & perfect, so just get over it.  Those stories about how loving you is so hard are tired.  Those fucked up so-called friends are history.  Those injustices never have & never will define you.  We have always known your name, known how precious you are, known how much glitter is moving around in those bones of yours.  We know just who are you, & that’s why we’re always trying to bring you the good shit!  Let us.  Take a deep breath, & just let it in.  No more not good enough / if only I was better / maybe when I learn this lesson.  Now, precious heart.  Now is the time.”  I’m just gonna go with that.

​Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, & Pluto’s power of deathdyingrelease is written all over the sweet pup’s face of this card.  Today, this card is especially important when it comes to matters of the heart, matters of your heart.  Maybe you’re heard me share about it before, that the Three of Bones is all about burying what needs to be buried, & that’s still true, but today I’m gonna focus on the burying part. 
 
The bone in the ground on this card represents the past.  It is the second largest bone.  It is no coincidence that it is the second largest.  There’s a lot of shit to be let go of.  Even the stars & moon say so.  Full Moons are a great time to release things because the idea is that as the moon wanes, so will the things you release.  & this being a Scorpio full moon, this is doubly so because Scorpio’s ruling planet is Pluto, bringer of lifedeathrebirth. 
 
If you’ve recently come upon lessons about love—being loved, loving others—that you thought you were already done with, you’re exactly where you need to be.  These familiar lessons are not proof that you did anything wrong, it’s just the scoops you couldn’t reach before, & now here they are within your reach.  Finally!  Take advantage of this opportunity, & do it again.  Take your gentle, practiced hand, scoop out the grief, the sorrow, the loss, the betrayal, from inside your achey heart, give it a thank you for the lessons, & bury it again.  Maybe even this time around you can say a little more than last time’s string of explicatives.  Maybe it can go something like this poem:

Do you have a favorite song that you listen to on repeat?  What does it do for you?  Does it hold something for you, with you?  That’s kinda what the energy of the Fool is about.  The Fool is not necessarily about starting over-starting over this week, but maybe something more akin to a song on repeat. 
 
I don’t know why I play certain sings so incessantly on repeat, but I do.  I can devote myself to a song for days, weeks, sometimes months.  I don’t even feel obligated to listen to the whole album, I just hone in on the one.  That’s what the Fool wants you to know—you don’t have to start everything over, just this one little piece of you heart that is still kinda sharp around the edges.
 
You don’t have to rewrite your whole story about who you love, who loves you back, how to get others to love you or why they might not.  No, not today.  You’ve been doing such good work!  There’s a stray piece or two that you get to start over, but mostly you can keep it moving.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if these seemingly small pieces change more than you thought they could.  That is part of the magic of the heart, the power of your compassion, & proof of your healing. 
 
I hope by now you are breathing easier, a little less inclined to lash out at yourself, a bit more acquainted with your perfection.  You are trustworthy.  You are doing things differently & the Femmeiverse knows.  You deserve every good thing simply because you exist.  These are the bones that will sing you home.

I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating!  I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it!  Know that $5 goes real far in my life.  

Bigger life themes are coming in a close this week, & the World card promises clarity & gratitude & grace.  Those gifts may seem unreachable in this moment, but that is because things are still settling down.  There are lessons you are learning that were important to understand through out this process, though I hope you are still finding ways to care for your precious self, because no matter what, you deserve deep breaths, food, & gentleness. 
 
When you sense the chapter closing, know that this isn’t about taking inventory of all the things you think you did wrong, it’s about radical acceptance of where you are & who you are.  No matter how you showed up & showed out, you are enough.  Going forward holding a boulder of What If will not take you where you want to be, because even if you made it here, that boulder of burden will not let you enjoy or celebrate the change in scenery. 
 
As this theme comes to a kind of close, leave it all here on the dance floor.  Shake it all out.  Then keep the energy levels high as you go to the next place that will reflect back to you the sweet thing you know to be true about you.
 
You’ve got a heart song, a heart dream that makes you swell, a heart desire that you’ve been whispering about shyly, & now is the time to start sharing more boldly.  Artist of Feathers is a card that asks you to amplify your heart’s desires in whatever ways feel accessible to you right now.  Trust is important here because if you don’t trust this heart dream, then why would you share it with someone or the other someones who are waiting for this very thing you hold? 
 
This is your sign to trust it, deer one! 
 
Make your platform bigger, make a platform period, add some color, add some texture, make a video with captions, allow yourself to do something seemingly unrelated but find out later then totally are! 
 
Your gifts will inspire others to move about, to swoon, to close their eyes in ecstacy & contemplation.  Please trust it enough to share it with the rest of us.  It’ll be ok.
 
The most important message from this Seeker of Feathers is maintain focus on Spirit, no matter what.  The big & new things you are femmeifesting in your life are on their way!  There is no need to change your course now, no slight left or slight right, no throwing away your letters of desire, no second guessing.  The Femmeiverse understood what you asked for the first time & is now setting it all up to arrive at your door shortly.  I mean, if you wanted, it could probably also be delivered to you in bed, too.  That is how powerful & direct the Femmeiverse is.  The only thing you gotta do, though, is maintain that focus.
 
When you start to worry or change plans mid execution, that’s because you’ve lost focus, & when you start trying to predict how to make shit happen quicker & easier & thus change plans, the Femmeiverse has to alter that initial course of action.  Nobody’s mad that you are doing this, not the Femmeiverse, not your spirit guides or ancestors, it just means the way they’ve conspired for you has to be changed so the blessings they’re bringing can still arrive where you are.  The best thing to do, is not move.  Be still.  Maintain that focus.  Keep up with your affirmations.  Pray & keep talking that sweet talk to yourself.  You do get to have what you want.  Don’t put your faith down now.  You’re almost there.

I’d really love to receive $50-$75 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!  

Deer Heart Ones,
I didn’t think I’d be writing this, but here I am, at 5:30am EST on the dot.  I’ve been recovering from life the past two weeks, not an easy endeavor, but I like to think I am making those deep shifts that make a life that loves me back so incredibly possible. 
 
I awoke this morning from a dream about flying with Philly single babes on some kind of collective date, but instead of a plane seats there were tiny merry-go-rounds, & it was actually New Years now that I think about it.  Everyone was wearing sequins & shiny things, & the last thought I remember was, “I guess everyone’s gonna know I have a kid.”  I keep my kid status unanswered on the dating wesbite (you know of which I speak, or maybe you don’t, lol) because I’m there for super casual things…am I oversharing now?  Maybe. 
 
Anyways, my femme babe genius roommate & I were talking one evening & from that conversation I learned that I get to bring my whole self, which most definitely includes Panda Pie, into my dating-ness.  I don’t know what to call it. & what kinds of real chances am I allowing myself to have if I am not bringing my whole self to the table?  That’s something I’ve been working on, right?  Right. 
 
So my dream was like, Get on board Lettie!  On tiny merry-go-round-board!    I don’t know what it means to be on board, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. 
 
I also did some candle magic.  I dressed one for health, intending to move in the direction of being connected to my body, caring for my sobriety, poetry things, healing my critical self-talk into accepting self-talk, & clear boundaries at day job.  There’s more.  It’s kinda a lot, but I’m letting the Femmeiverse help me out.
 
I hope you are enjoying this influx of new fire energy, that it helps clear some paths for you, that it brings clarity, that it reminds you of the things that bring heat & make you simmer with excitement.  I hope this Aries seasons brings you to boil over everything in your kitchen, your house, your life.  I hope you’ll show me the glorious mess you’ve made the next time we meet.
 
xo
Lettie

I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!  

This week is gonna be short & sweet because I gotta get ready for my day job & wanna get this out.  Next week I hope to take more time.  I can already hear the birds singing to the navy morning sky.
​
Clear Quartz in a crystal that is really good at amplifying already present magics & bringing clarity through clearing shit out.  This is all great new because Three of Feathers is next, sharing with you that the time is now to start putting pen to paper in name of your heart.  You’ve been simmering with your heart things for a while now, it’s time to do the next thing.  This card largely shows up when writing is an appropriate medium, & I definitely encourage it. 
 
Write down some hopes, some dreams, some pain, some things to let go.  Write down things you already do, are trying to do, & will hopefully work up to for self care.  Write down boundaries that you need to feel safe & secure.  Write down how you want to feel in a femmeship, loveship, datingship, hookupship, coparentingship, so when the Femmeiverse shows up with this –ship on a silver shell platter, you will be like, “Yes, that’s mine.  Thank you!”  Write down your business plan, how much money you wanna be femmeifesting, & how lovely it is to work at your ideal job.  Write a love letter to the self that is feeling the most pain right now.  Write them love poems & love notes & draw cute pictures of your future together.  Write anything.  Write something.  You ca totally write yourself to freedom.
 
& I got a new deck, A Spirit Speak Oracle Deck.  I am so excited to share it with you, even if the first card I drew is defeat.  I know, I know, me, too!  I was like, Wuh?  It’s too early for this shit.  But here we are, & I can go with it.  So let’s!
 
Defeat, directly from the accompanying book, “Sad Star, it’s ok to give up & to feel sad about it.  Sometimes defeat helps us let go & let in change.”  You know I believe in a good cry just as much as I believe in a good surrender, & I feel like this card is a potential combination of the two, though they do not have to come together.  Defeat is real!  Trying with everything you’ve got & coming away empty handed is real, & real hard to accept sometimes!  But, like the card says, “Sometimes defeat helps us let go & let in change.”  Even if what you want doesn’t work out this one time, that does not mean it was a bad idea, or you shouldn’t have, or that you don’t deserve it, or you need a new dream.  All it means is, “Not here at this time.”  That means you try again elsewhere & maybe learn a few things that inspire you to fine tune your approach.  In the meantime, cry if you need to.  I’m all about tears bringing clarity.
 
& the Clear Quartz is here to help you focus your goals & make room for your magic.  The whole way through.  You & Clear Quartz are the same, love.  There’s nothing either one of you can’t do.
 
Happy Astrological New Year New Moon in Aries!  

I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating!  I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it!  Know that $5 goes real far in my life.   ​​​

Deer Sweet One.
 
How are your feels?  Is sleep bringing you much needed respite   Are these big changes moving things about inside of you, too? 
 
I don’t know what last week was about, but it was hard.  & I totally meant to have this out sooner, but I ended up working extra hours, had to figure out how to extra navigate getting Panda Pie to & from school, had a breakdown/break through in therapy, was thoroughly exhausted by feeling all the feelings, on a whim packed up Panda & myself & visited the river & had burgers, ran into a friend while waiting for the el, & made the call to do things on the equinox rather than write about things.  I went on my second house call here in Philly, got to visit a new part of the city, & sat down to read & channel some tarot.  It was lovely, I gotta tell you.  There was laughter & tears & stories galore! & then I came home & dressed some candles & ate a delicious dinner my roommate cooked.  It was a full day, & I was exhausted in that surrender kinda way.
 
& then Panda Pie got sick & I went grocery shopping yesterday & spent the rest of my daylight hours applying for a fellowship.  OMG.  The Feels.  I’ve been thinking on that application for almost a month, & the whole time it was a battle of wills!  “You can’t do this!  You’re work isn’t worthy of such funding!” vs. “You are valuable!  You get to ask for support!  Even if we don’t get it, good things can happen!”  With one minute to spare, the latter won out.  Once I hit send, I was overcome with a feeling akin to grief, which is not what I was expecting.  My roommate said I looked like I had just witnessed a car crash, which, yeah, I kinda did.  All those nay saying voices in my head just shut the fuck up.  Even if my application betrayed my newness to such things, or maybe it just wasn’t up to standard, I did it.  & I will do it again.  Friends, I have entered a new era or being alive & calling good shit into my life.  I hope this explanation, these words, make sense in some kinda way.

I woke up this morning, after another night of really intense dreams, & felt like all the pieces I had been waiting for finally settled, put Portishead on repeat, & set to writing.  The spread brought to you today is a little different, but just a little.  We have Three of Bottles in the position of What to Shed, Seven of Bottles in the position of What to Sit With, & Three of Feathers in the Position of What to Grow.  & then we have Orange Calcite, on top, giving their love to everything everywhere!
 
I hope, too, that these words bring you healing & clarity.  Thank you to everyone who writes me to share how this work is being woven into their lives, it means so much to me.  As do your donations.  Please consider offering a few dollars my way, or even scheduling a reading, because my day job is off this week for spring break, & that’s a whole quarter of my income right before rent is due.  For more info on my rates & specials for this week, you can find them here.
 
Sending all my heart woo!
 
xo
Lettie    

I’d really love to receive $100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  These babies take over 10 hours, so really that's $10/hr, & I bet 10 of you lovelies can muster $10.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!  

Scarcity makes you believe that it will never be that good again, or that sweet thing that happened can never be replicated, or things are good enough so why want for more.  Three comes right before four, four is representative of stability, & although three can be enough, it is not the resting place for you.
 
Three of Bottles is about the joy of chosen family, the ones who celebrate with you & the ones who hold you when you need some grounding.  I don’t think this card is saying to let go of your beloveds, per se, but more of a prompting to add more to the mix!  This past week I got to meet my Trauma Brain face to face, & although it was difficult, it was enlightening.  I was not aware of how much my trauma informs my expectations for my life, & that I am overworking myself to predict what harm might be coming down the line.  Trauma Brain can also work against me, convincing me to squash new begnnings before any kind of seed has had a chance to sprout.  Like, my Trauma Brain is like, “Oh, you planted a new seed?  Lemme see…yup, just what I thought.  It’s not working, it’s not gonna grow.  Take it out.  We gotta conserve our energies for shit that’s gonna grow.”  & like, yeah, my Trauma Brain has kept me alive, & for that I am so grateful, but we have worked SO HARD to make & remake a new life, & I gotta trust that I can do things differently now.
 
All this is to say, you can continue to grow your love, your chosen family, your friends, your community, your support.  There’s a lot of excited YES’s happening right now.

Seven of Bottles shows you that there is something you are not aware of, & that you carry the key piece to understanding a situation within you.  Whether that means that your intuition is key, that that seemingly random piece of info you have is key, or something rising up in you is the key. 
 
One thing that comes strongly to mind is diving deep into yourself, destination your shame.  It’s not as hurty as when you quarantined that area off from the rest of you, the healing you’ve been doing in other parts of your life have also made it’s way here.  The way you understood your experience before needs to be revisited because you have changed, & you can explore this place with a new heart.  Maybe even a stronger one.  Maybe, compassion is the missing piece for your puzzle.
 
Trauma Brain can distort shit, & perhaps the way you understood things before was because Trauma Brain was translating.  I don’t think this is like you were lyng to yourself, but important nuances were lost in the scuffle of it all.  & that’s what shame does, it takes whole gulps of we are with no reverence of what we were willing to part with, whole gulps of body & heart & reason.  If you can, if it feels like the thing to do, dive back into those caverns you were too afraid to explore before & take back your body, your heart, your peace of mind.  My bed is that the shame is like the monster under the bed, disappearing once the lights come on, once the sun comes out.  You get to heal this place, too. 

There’s a Mary Oliver verse that I come back to again & again because it reminds me that I am ok, “You do not have to be god.  You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.  You only have to let the soft animal of your body loves what it loves.”  That is what I feel like Three of Feathers is wanting you to know today. 
 
Sometimes I feel unsure that this writing is doing anyone any good, or I begin to doubt that I’m getting these messages correctly because I’m always kinda harping on the same subjects: healing, wanting, gentleness, hunger, fulfillment.  But then I remember how often this world tells us that we are wrong, that what we want is unattainable & we should probably just settle & get life over with, & that maybe my messages of follow your heart & “let the soft animal of your body loves what it loves” need to be said weekly, in as many ways as humanly possible. 
 
I want you to come again to the things that light you up, to the gifts that open you up, & to the love that fills you up.  One of the goals of this card is to be able to directly channel your own heart, though not necessarily onto a page, but certainly into the book of your life.  This is a skill that is hard earned because your mind, especially the Trauma Brain, is going to want to make sense of what it is your heart is communicating, & you’re gonna have to figure out how to calm your mind, & the Trauma Brain, while channeling.  Maybe even some day we can retire Trauma Brain to a nice cabin in the woods where they can commune with nature & Spirit & rivers all day.  Or  maybe your Trauma Brain has always wanted to go to space, & out there they can have the deepest convo ever with Pluto.  Or maybe they will retire in something similar to what I call The House of Lettie’s. 
 
The House of Lettie’s is a magical place where only I reside.  It is a house filled with all the selves of me—baby Lettie, child Lettie, tween Lettie with the too sad mom, I wanna die every day teenage Lettie, drunk & hurting Lettie, bewildered new mom Lettie—the list is long & beautiful.  Anyways, whenever I uncover a new part of me that hurts a lot & feels like this world isn’t safe enough, I close my eyes & envision this house, knock on the door, & usher them inside.  Ooops, I forgot to tell you about one other Lettie that’s important to differentiate from the others, my grandma Lettie is also there.  She has a room with a rocking chair & when we go into that room, I am able to crawl onto her lap while she rocks me & sings & mostly I cry.
 
There are other rooms, too.  I have one where I can break anything, a room that has the brightest Milky Way (god, I love the Milky Way, especially when witnessed from the middle of deserts or mountains or plains.) & a stream to sit by, a room where cooking is always happening, a room for sleeping in the biggest, softest, most supportive bed, & this list, too, does go one.
 
How did I get here on this topic?  Where was I going with this…oh yeah!  Do what you gotta do to “let the soft animal of your body loves what it loves,” & keep at it until you are able to gift yourself the compassion you were in need of.    Hold on, we’ve got one more card to get to.  Orange Calcite.

The theme for this Spring is Orange Calcite.  Being the Equinox & such, I decided to draw a card from the Visions: crystal oracle deck (I love it, a lot.), & Orange Calcite showed up!  Even though I am just now bringing it up, I have been consulting with it the whole time.  I’m just gonna relay the info from the very informative booklet that comes with it because Jessika Fancy did such a beautiful job with this deck:

Spring is here, babes!  We officially made it through Winter, & whether or not you live somewhere where it snows, all of our days got shorter & nature led us (gently & not so gently at times) into the places within us that needed our attention.  You did so good (though you certainly don't have to be) & I trust that you will continue to do your work to the best of your ability.  Spring, sprang, sprung.  

Hi Lovelies,
Just in time for the Spring Equinox I’ve got a whole week open for scheduling readings, aka day job is on Spring Break!  & to commemorate the days of light & warm rain storms with thunder that cracks in your chest, I want to tell you about some new things happening here at High Moon Femme.

Did you know that I am learning astrology?  I am!  I am learning how to read charts, & I currently offer astrological elements to my mediumship tarot readings.  For example, if you’re approaching your Saturn Return or you noticed that all your planets are in your 8th house or Pluto is touching all the planets or all your outer planets are retrograde, I can totally take a look at your planetary activity!  When I do readings with an astrological understanding I can help provide understanding about your chart & how events are connected & how they are playing out.  & because it’s your reading, we can then discuss what your plan of action can be!
 
Any readings scheduled the week of March 20-26 will come with a complimentary astrological interpretation!  All I need is your birth information (month/day/year, time & location of birth) so I can read & research your chart in relation to your question(s) for your reading. 

 My day job is taking the week off for Spring Break, which means I can focus on this work for a whole week!  Know that all your trust & faith in my work means so much to me, so do the emails & kind words.  I'm also into being fed in other ways, like doing readings & getting paid!  The readings you schedule will help me pay rent, bills, get groceries, & CELEBRATE PANDA's 11th BIRTHDAY!  Everybody wins when you schedule or order a reading!  

I hope to read with/for you soon!  

Unendingly abundant,
​Lettie

Deer Tender Heart,
This week’s reading feels like powerful magic.  Maybe it’s because spring is just around the corner.  Maybe it’s the high energies that reside between the eclipses.  Maybe it’s the waxing moon.  Maybe it’s simply time for magic shit to happen. 
 
I sit here writing you missing that one hour we lost to the time change, eggs soft frying on the stove, potatoes in the oven, & my favorite sourdough waiting patiently for their toasting to commence.  Panda is upstairs still asleep because I want this time with you to write.  & it’s raining.  & today is the birthday of someone I loved deerly who broke my heart.  & I’ve been in Philly for 5 months now, & I’m starting to feel hopeful & my depression hasn’t been bad for a little while now.  & I think this is what healing feels like.
 
I come to you today with these offerings, hoping that you are healing, too, that you are finding ways to trust that heart of yours.  I hope, too, that when your spirit itches for new things you thought had already passed, that you chance them anyways.  I hope for you a life that loves you back, cherishes you back, & asks you the best questions you always think to ask others but that they don’t always reciprocate.
 
Sending my best heart woo, love.
 
xo
Lettie

I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transportation, so thank you so much!  

​Skulls in the Collectve Tarot deck are always the Ancestors showing up to be like, Hey!  & this card is like, Hey, hey hey!!!  Why are they showing up so strong for you right now?  They want you to know that they support you magic, your power, & that they are always holding the vision of your softest, happiest, most deeply rooted self.  They know the satiated you, the one so full your hands become instruments of fecundity, & if you are in search of your way back to this self, they are here to help.
 
We all are always connected, as the candle burning brightly atop the skull indicates, & the rings of light emanating are also visible representations of how that connection reverberates outward, only strengthening said connection.  If you were thinking about or felt called to do some femmeifesting in your life, this would be a good time to do it.  Creative projects will also be inspired! 

I don’t know what the weather is doing where you are, but here in Philly this past week we got a long taste of summer, not even spring—summer!—so, I just wanna let you know that life is coming back.  The undertow of winter is gonna spit you out!  That also means whatever was brewing in that undertow for you can now breathe on its own, you can let it grow into whatever promises the two of you made.

This card itches with life today.  Sometimes it holds more of an, Ok, here we go again! energy, but not today.  The Fool is the first card of the major arcana, & brings all of the wisdom from having just finished everything up with the proceeding World card.  The Fool wants to inspire you to get ready for the Spring Equinox that is just around the corner, because the trees & flowers & baby animals are not gonna be the only beings coming back to life!
 
The Fool wants to breathe fresh air into your lungs, wants to wake you up before the sun so you can watch the moon melt into the sun, wants to help you restart that one project that’s been biting at your fingertips all winter.  Let the Fool work their magic for you.  Let yourself come back.
 

Imagine that you were hungry one day, & you wanted that One Thing you used to eat, but you can’t remember how it was prepared.  You call your mom, auntie, dad, someone frm your family of origin for the recipe, someone you love & trust to whatever degree, & then you go home to make that One Thing.  It looks good, but when you taste it, something is off.  So you follow the recipe again, because it must be you (not the recipe), & try it again, & it really does taste like shit.  Wtf?  Now you examine that recipe with your critical thinking skills, & notice that certain ingredients don’t belong in there, or at least you wouldn’t have added them.

 Here is where you can do a couple of different things that will yield different results: You can call up whoever gave you this recipe & you can be like, “Wtf is that recipe you gave me?” & they’ll probably get defensive because defensive.  Or you can follow your own intuition & add a little of this, take away some of that, & there—that’s better!  Now it tastes like Your Thing & not that One Thing.  This recipe is now yours.
 
The recipe isn’t just about a dish (though you are, completely!), it’s about love—how to get it, how to keep it, how to get it back, how to act, what kind of behaviors are acceptable.  It’s about life—how to be happy, how much to give, when to ask for help, how to make everyone believe everything’s ok!  It’s about Your Life, sweet one, & how sometimes even when we’re living our own lives, we’re acting on old recipes that aren’t doing shit for us.  Heal those recipes, love.  Heal them because you need them, & heal them so the next time you share your dish & someone asks, “Can I get your recipe?” you know exactly what you’re handing over.

I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating!  I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it!  Know that $5 goes real far in my life.   ​​​

i am falling in love with ones who are also falling in love with me.
i attract the most compatible femmes this femmeiverse has to offer.
i am always whole, intact, & loud.
i feel loved & adored.
i receive love letters & crush art from ones i am also sending love letters & crush art to.
my vulnerability is my compass.
i am dating folks who have done their work, who are doing their work, & who are continuing to do their work.
i know i am crushing out on cuties who are also crushing out on me.
i hold myself as center.
i release everyone & everything that does not celebrate me as perfect & necessary.
i move with confidence & joy in the direction of myself, my dreams, my desires, & my being.
i feel desired in ways that empower & heal me.
i fall in love with sweeties who want all that i want to give.
my ancestors bring me relationships with babes who are ready for what is coming next in my life.
my self-awareness, self-love, & femmetastic selfies are reflected back to me in my –ships.
i experience sustainability.
i experience excitement.
i experience great communication & consideration.
i am having the dirtiest, sweetest adventure this femmeiverse has ever witnessed.

​
*Inspired  by Badass Resilience: Black and Brown Femme Survivor Love and Desire Affirmations
By Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha and Keisha Williams.  You can read more about when I was first introduced to this life saving work by these femmes here. 

I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & the healing channeled today in the form of this post.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transit token, so thank you so much!  

Vulnerability As My Compass: Affirmations for Bringing Springtime Back to the Body is a project centering my process of trusting my vulnerability & following its instructional nudges to the best of my ability so I can bring life & warmth back to my body.  As a queer brown femme with chronic illnesses trying to work out my scarcity & poverty shit with a baby panda femme along for this wild ride called My Life, processing all the grief has left me a little more than overwhelmed & in need of fresh life for a while now.  I carry & process so much grief, thanks in part to all the Pluto in my birth chart, that it feels like death eating is all I ever do & all I’ll ever be good at.  But a few years ago I realized that I can death eat with the purpose of bringing life, bringing springtime back to my blessed & holy body.  I know a lot of my purpose here is to mend the loose ends & call people home within my own lineage, but part of my work is to bring warmth, joy, pleasure back to the body.  I can’t do anything for anyone else, per se, but I can do it for myself & share my process.  That’s kinda what this is. 
 
When I think about Springtime in the Body, I imagine checking in with seeds I planted to make sure they’ll sprout, & then getting nervous that they won’t & wondering what I did wrong, so I pray & ask for miracles & try to keep up my end of things, & then just when I’ve given up, the little plant pops through, like, “What?  You thought I wouldn’t come?  But you planted me yourself, & loved me yourself!  How could I not pull through?”  It feels kinda like the weather now in Philly, where everyday I come home from work I am so grateful that the sky is still lit up with the sunset because I remember how the stars used to be out & how cold some of those nights were while waiting for the bus.  Spring, that time where hope is everywhere, is coming.  Maybe when we turn around, it’ll be here already. 

It has taken me years to get here, to this point of trusting in myself, my life, the Femmeiverse, where I can share all of this with you.  I don't know why now, but I know that putting this series together was all I could think of for the past two days, so much so that I stayed up past 3am yestermorning, & woke up at 4 this morning.  & while I was at my day job yesterday, & upon waking & lying in my bed this morning, all I could ponder was, "What is going to accompany such a wish?  Such a declaration?  Is a something even needed?"  But I can't imagine not saying something.  So here I am, saying something.

Reading over my affirmations I recognize that I wrote it about my romantic life, or what I hope can be my romantic life, & that there are other deeper threads of claiming myself & my desires.  Desires exist in all the places in my life, & following their lead is always such a struggle, but I am here to surrender my way through.  I am 32-years-old, & I've largely spent my life pretending I do not want anything, or that thing I had wasn't that important, & on & on the minimizations go.  I want to remember back to now & smile & say, "Thank you Past Lettie for trusting me," & use it as evidence that I do get to have what I want, that these desires won't live & die inside a body riddled with an endless winter.  I have too much water happening to be playing with a season like Winter like that.  It is all too possible.  I wanna use all this water for nourishing & gently shaping & playing & soaking.    

It is scary to have my desires laid bare, but I have to tell you more than afraid, I am hopeful.  I don't know if you remember my post Leo Full Moon in the Victory of Your Own Making, but I gotta share with you that some of that brave shit I asked for has come to pass or is coming to pass very soon.  To ask for what I want, to choose some kind of alternative to the scarcity that has woven its way into my every breath, is like breaking a curse.  In stories where seemingly unbreakable curses are cast, love seems to be the only force powerful enough to dissolve it.  I think that's what this is, Deer One.  This is me casting a love spell of sorts to break the curses that've shaped so much of my life.  

I want more love.

I deserve more love.

I am receiving more love.

I am committing (yikes!) to a series based on these affirmations as love spells for myself, & I would love it if you wanted to journey along with me!  I'll be posting more day to day things on my facebook, instagram, twitter, & tumblr accounts, & will write more at length here on my blog.  I'm gonna be marking my way through with #vulnerabilityasmycompass, & if you have anything you wanna share or add to the conversation, please tag me or use #highmoonfemme & #vulnerabilityasmycompass.  I would love the company!

So many blessings & deep freeze thaws & signs from the Femmeiverse to you, to me, to us!  

I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating!  I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it!  Know that $5 goes real far in my life.   ​​​

​Deer Sweet One,
While prepping myself to write whatever it is I’m supposed to write tonight, I came across a document I have saved titled, “-ship affirmations jan 2014.”  So I opened it, read it, remembered writing it, laughed at the time travel of it at all, then promptly took a nap.  Before I share some of the gems with you from said document, I wanna cite the femme brilliance of Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha & Keisha Williams who created “Badass Resilience: Black and Brown Femme Survivor Love and Desire Affirmations” as inspiration.  I was first introduced to this beautiful piece of writing & affirmation in a  came across their healing words in a workshop co-presented by Leah & Keisha, & I it was so perfectly perfect.  I was thrilled to see Leah post it on her blog, & then to find it published in Dear Sister in 2014.  I invite you to take a read for yourself!

I remember sitting in that workshop listening to this list for the first time & feeling in awe that this is shit I could actually have in my life.  I was like, WHAT?!?  How come nobody told me?!?  But I was being told, by these two femme babe geniuses.  A year & a half later I wrote my own affirmations.  Although I don’t remember the day I wrote this, I do know that in January of 2014 I was residing in an old nunnery affectionately named the Baberation & I was being stalked by my super abusive ex while trying to finish my last two semesters of college.  I remember I was nursing a broken heart because sometimes trauma makes loving each other hard, & I was exhausted from living in a super white city where I had to teach everyone how to love me.  I tried femmeifesting love in that city for almost 18 years, & I have only recently left with a few precious seeds in my pocket while still dreaming of fields bursting with wild flowers.  I wrote “-ship affirmations jan, 2014” because I knew that field was somewhere out there:
 
​-ship affirmations jan. 2014, aka Vulnerability As My Compass: Affirmations for Bringing Springtime Back to the Body
 
i feel loved & adored.
i hold myself as center.
i release everyone & everything that does not celebrate me as perfect & necessary.
i move with confidence & joy in the direction of myself, my dreams, my desires, & my being.
i feel desired in ways that empower & heal me.
i fall in love with sweeties who want all that i want to give.
i experience sustainability.
i experience excitement.
i experience great communication & consideration.
i am having the dirtiest, sweetest adventure this femmeiverse has ever witnessed.

​You can find the affirmations themselves here, too.
 
Love, I am writing to you from a place that might be a field, & all I can tell you is that the ground beneath me is itching with life.  I can feel it shifting beneath my feet.  I cant' say for sure that it's because I moved over 2,000 miles away from the city I spent over half my life, &  I’m not saying that you gotta move across the country, too, but what I am saying is that some movement will be required.  

​Deer One, I’m not trying to tell you you aren’t doing enough, I know I felt endlessly frustrated at my thwarted efforts when trying to plan precious seeds & nourish them to bloom, but I think that’s why these cards are saying to give this one more go.  I don't know that one more try will be the thing that changes everything, but I do know that I had to do so so many little things that I hoped would change everything, that often felt like nothing, & somewhere along the way they added up.  & here I am, telling you this long & winding story on a Sunday night in a city where I can't help but swell from time to time.  No matter how difficult this transition has been, it is not as bad as where I came from.

I also wanna tell you that this week's post feels so vulnerable, to peel back the curtains on things I hope for feels kinda like breaking teeth.  I hate to want for things I historically have been unable to have, & this is no exception.  But the messages came through so clear that I scoffed & threw a mini fit  while my roommate laughed supportingly, I huffed all the way to the store for dinner fixings, & all the way back.  In the end, I surrender.  I'm gonna trust their advice & plant this precious seed, too.

This Tuesday is the New Moon in Pisces with the first half, the solar half, of eclipse season.  I’ll write more on that specifically (hopefully) by Tuesday, & for now, I offer you this week's tarot reading with these three cards: Eight of Keys & Eight of Bones from the Collective Tarot, & Orange Calcite from the Visions: a crystal oracle deck.  I hope these cards & my words & the messages coming through will help you work some kinda magic in your life.  You deserve it.  We always have.

Unendingly Abundant,
​Lettie 

I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Please support femme labor, your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  My Paypal is [email protected].  Your donations do things like help me buy food & pay for transit token, so thank you so much!  

Today we are going to focus on the pep talk the Caterpillar You gave yourself as you were struggling through your lessons one more time, lessons you may have believed had been laid to rest.  I imagine that there was probably some self talking happening with the Caterpillar You while you were struggling to emerge from those lessons one more time, & I imagine that they were some kinda promise.  Something like, “If you keep pushing, I promise that we’re not gonna go back.  If you get out of bed & do that thing, I promise that it will lead to the next thing & the next thing, & before you know it we will smile again, & then living that life we always wanted!  If you keep pushing, we get to have the good shit, love.  The good shit you were too afraid to ask for but that the Femmeiverse knows has always been & will alays be yours!  You just gotta get through this thing one more time.  I know you’re tired, & this is shit you’ve done before, but one more time & we’re done!  Again!”  I don’t imagine pep talk fail like “If you get through this we get more of the same old shit!  Yay!  Nothing is gonna be changed!” was your motivation. 
 
So I want you to tap into & remember what brave promises you made to yourself to keep going!  You’re out now, deer one, & it’s time to make good with your word.

This stone is all about bringing healing back to those real tender parts of you, the ones still receiving fresh blood & soft massages.  When you can be kind & generous with those hurty parts of you, you are setting the standard for how the most vulnerable parts of you are treated, which means that all the rest of you gets to receive the same consideration.  The results of this kind of unconditional self-love are an increase in self-esteem & self-confidence, & which can lead to things the card encourages like, “buy yourself some flowers,  start that project you’ve been putting off or tell that person you’ve been crushing on that you like them.”  Perhaps these are even the kinds of promises you’re gonna make good on with yourself.  What better way to re-enter your life?

I lost the book of interpretations for this deck a long time ago, but one of the things I do remember from that booklet is that is is the “Go, go, go!” card.  What does “Go, go, go!” mean?  Good question.
 
The fact that each of the cards are the Eight of their suits means that they’re syncing up in the messages they are bringing you, adding extra umph.  Eight of Keys has everything to do with going toward the things that bring you warmth & keeps your fires healthy because these are the very sources of heat that forge a new you.  Please don’t worry, those fireworks in the sky booming their way through your body is the Femmeiverse giving you the sweetest send off!  You have everything you need, any further “preparation” is only stalling at this point.  Trust that you don't need to pack anything else.  Everything else you will need will be provided along the way!
 
Now, go go go! in the direction of those fields of promise, those fires that renew.  Onward to the life you promised yourself when you wanted to stop trying!

I'm so happy & excited that so many of you are sharing & reading the work I am creating!  I'd also really like to receive some $$ if you got it!  Know that $5 goes real far in my life.   ​​​